Welcome to the Sugary Scoop, my free weekly newsletter where we help you see and experience the magic of NYC that I love so much through curated events, experiences, artists, and community stories.

Let’s get to this week’s Scoop!

NYC Community Week

Things with NYC Community Week are moving along and I’m thrilled to share our new logo with you!

Special thanks to Andy Choi and his team at Do Good Points for leading the design of this logo.

As October rises over the horizon, we also hosted an intimate dinner for a select group of our community leaders and partners.  

These community leaders represent a diverse and significant subset of the vibrant landscape of established NYC communities.

During the dinner, we presented our vision for the project, fostered greater inter-community dialogue and collected feedback on how to get the most out of NYC Community week for everyone involved.

But most importantly, DK and I galvanized the support and cooperation of our majority stake community partners to work together and help New Yorkers rediscover their city through their interests and the communities that support it.

I’m honestly so excited to play a role in ushering in this new era of cooperation and cross pollination among our thriving communities and fundamentally aim to recast NYC not as “the lonely city”, but a magical playground for community and connection. 

If you feel as excited as I do, I urge you to reach out as it takes a village to raise a child.

We welcome all of your support to help make NYC the capital for community and culture in the world.

Also, if you’re a community builder in NYC and want to be involved, please apply to be part of Community Week below!

THE SUGARY EFFECT

The Three Caballeros

A couple weeks ago, right around the time I had conducted my 10th or so followup with a community leader without any response whatsoever, I found myself at a weird impasse.

Anytime I met up with this individual, it was always, “Yeah we gotta meetup let me know when you’re free and let’s get something on the calendar.” But when it came down to following up, it would be a one way street exclusively.

I typically cc DK on my text correspondences and after a few times watching the futility, he impatiently asked me, “what the fuck is going on?”  To which I responded that I had no clue, I was just following up over text, as well as over the phone a few times and even followed up in person. Basically my justification was that I was doing my due diligence.

After DK took that in, he told me that if by the next followup there was no response, he’d step in and offer an “alternative” reply.  

I already knew what that meant and despite the unease, I reluctantly agreed. I didn’t want it to have to come to that, but I wasn’t getting any movement on the matter either so at the end of the day it was what it was.

So I followed up again the following week and then again at the top of next week as well.  

No response. 

To DK’s credit he did give it one more extra attempt before he stepped in, but ultimately he took over the text thread.

Basically DK expressed his disappointment that despite all my efforts to followup up across months, we never got any tangible reply and as a community leader who openly advocates for greater connection and collaboration and even expressed enthusiasm for collaborating with us, it was surprising to see this individual come up short in this regard in real time…

…in less than two minutes of that text being sent, we got a reply.

It was shocking how fast DK got a response.  

The individual was apologetic, immediately set forth to make amends and in that moment we locked in a time on the calendar.

What was a 2 month+ process for me took DK 2 minutes.

In my effort to be accommodating and agreeable, I’d lost a sense of self in hopes the other party would realize their own mistake and course-correct while being grateful I had been so agreeable through it all.

Very idealistic…also kinda naive. 

People don’t make you a priority until you make yourself one. 

You can do it in a nice way but at some point sooner than later you have to be able willing to draw the line. 

After all, what good is a pocket full of chalk if you’re afraid to draw on asphalt? 

DK for his part explained that his response while stern was still respectful at a professional level, and I had more than set the stage for that kind of response which any reasonable person would find understandable.

I had followed up without ever following through.

It’s good to have a patient approach to most things, but every now and then…

…ya gotta get comfortable with conflict.

It’s something I’ve always struggled with and in certain extreme cases, I’ve suffered tremendously for.

When I first moved to NyC back in 2002, I along with a couple college friends moved in together to begin our misadventures in Gotham.

We each had vastly different personalities, very different ways of doing things and definitely very different ways of handling conflict. Yet we were the closest of friends.

In our circle of friends we were affectionately regarded as “The Three Caballeros”.

As it so happened, within our larger friend group, there was an individual who was charismatically self-aggrandizing at the expense of everyone around him.  He was a type of individual that would refer to you as a friend, but then take advantage of the relationship both in terms of resources and in regard.

This person always had this habit of poking fun at your insecurities in order to make them look better and feel better about themselves while taking advantage of the goodwill offered in the spirit of friendship…akin to running up someone else’s credit card without asking for your own benefit.

A narcissist through and through that we were all fairly slow to pick up on under the veil of a very present charisma.  Eventually this individual wore out the welcome with literally every member of our larger friends circle.

When it came to the three caballeros, we each had our unique way of dealing with it:

Caballero 1 we referred to as “The Ghost”.  After suffering a few rounds of exploitation by the narcissist, he would just disappear, become totally unreachable until the narcissist got tired of chasing him and moved on to easier prey.

Caballero 2 we referred to as “The Enforcer”. He didn’t give a shit who you were. If the narcissist crossed the line once he would be happy not only to call it out but also to redraw the line deeper towards the narcissist and dare them to cross it. The narcissist crossed the line once and never did it again for the remainder of that period of our lives.

Caballero 3 was referred to as “The Monk”.  Whenever the narcissist came by he would adopt a posture of appeasement.  There was no need to ruffle feathers if it wasn’t necessary and the opinion was it was never necessary. Endurance was the main focus. 

Which caballero do you think I was?

And more importantly, which caballero was the most effective at dealing with this particular situation?

I think you know the answer without me even having to spell it out for you.

I was Caballero 3.  And by the time I finally severed ties with the narcissist I had sustained the gravest of battle wounds simply by allowing it to play out and refusing to adopt a different approach.  I was stubborn, ineffective and ultimately suffered the most.

Now I’ve gotta say, in most cases my approach never gets to that point. Most of my encounters are rather agreeable and because of my appetite towards tolerance, it tends to yield a lot of positive sentiment because I can weather a lot of the human quirks that end up manifesting in the professional setting.

But this wasn’t a typical situation and I failed to adapt accordingly.

I look back at my way of being back then and how I handled this community leader present day and realized I hadn’t learned my lesson.

The old adage is true, “if you give people an inch they’ll take a mile”.

What is less referenced is that if you make it easy for people to step on you, they will.  And the kicker?…

…Often times it will be your friends, family and professional relationships that do it.

Not because they are bad actors, but because you yourself are the bad actor…and you set the standard for everyone else to follow.

The three caballeros may be individuals, but together our different approaches offer a more complete picture of the different approaches you can and should take depending on the situation.

I guess ultimately it’s knowing when to use which type of response but more importantly…feeling comfortable in switching up the instrument when there’s a clearly better option in the tool box.

Don’t be a one trick pony, the circus of life requires more than a single maneuver.

To minimize injury, choose wisely…

…and just maybe you’ll have less scars to deal with.

🍭 Sugary

Are you a Sugary Member yet? Join the 175+ member community that gets you access to member-only events, special event perks, discounts and more

NOTABLE NYC EVENTS, HAND-PICKED BY SUGARY

Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Sweet List—our newly standardized events newsletter built with complete with a color-coded Trust System, clear Time & Place formatting, crystal-clean social-battery icons, concise one-line value props, bite-sized “Your People” profiles, Free 🆓/Ticketed 🎟️ markers, and curated experience icons to help you zero in on the perfect vibe.

THE SWEET & SALTY

Just Because It Makes a Sound,  Doesn’t Mean It’s Music.

I’ve been attending all types of parties in New York City for a quarter decade and almost every week I’ll attend at least one event where there will be a “musical performance” that is offered as part of the evening’s entertainment and program.

Often times…they suck.

I’m sorry. 

But I don’t think I’m jaded, I just think I’ve become a more discerning listener over the years.  I know it comes at the risk of sounding a bit harsh but have you noticed there’s a growing tolerance for mediocrity in the name of being able some semblance of entertainment?

And with that latitude for lackluster talent, an entire ecosystem of sub-par artists have commandeered this ecological strata of stage for their delusions of grandeur that we’re all forced to sit through and in essence “grin and bear it”.

A purgatory of passable performance.

Is it just me?  I can’t imagine that’s the case. I’m just saying what many of us are thinking which manifests in the form of modest golf claps all across the city.

Now am I expecting Adele at every performance? No, not even close, but there is a class of artist that exists that can be actually impressive without scraping the bottom of the barrel and giving it a stage to call it a night.

I think it sends the wrong message.  Sharing your artistry is a privilege and not a right…you have to work hard for that privilege AND have talent.  

Also, the whole thing reeks of self-indulgence by the artist while exploiting our collective curiosity which is always an ever diminishing resource.

Case in point, I recently attended an event at a wonderful home and a series of artists were slated to perform.

I kid you not each act was worse than the next. To a point where I just had to leave after about 4 acts ‘lest I think I had ingested crazy pills to actually think any of it was at all good.

My point is that we shouldn’t encourage commonplace “talent” and be more discerning with who we actually platform even if the platform is as small as a house party.

If it’s a casual party for casual jamming whatever, but it you’re highlighting someone as a “one to watch” careful there.  You might end up ruining your own reputation while the artist aids and abets this trend with utter disregard for anything other than their own delulu.

Exercising restraint as hosts to be more selective of our features only elevates the evening and ensures our curiosity as attendees is more likely to be rewarded rather than penalized. 

If we want people to be more open to experiencing new things, we gotta build trust with our curation and that comes in part through making sure the artistry we associate with is something truly worth audience fascination and adulation, not something to have merely just to have it. Put some respect on it.

Let’s make sure those amazing artists that are 20 feet from stardom get closer to the spotlight…

…and all the other wannabes, step back…waaaaaay back.

Support for the Unsent Letter Project!

The Unsent Letter Mailbox is a grassroots storytelling movement creating anonymous spaces for vulnerability and radical honesty in New York City.

Over the past year, we’ve hosted 19 park installations, 9 salons, we've seen countless people in public, and received over 1000 unsent letters capturing the full spectrum of human emotion and has captured the attention of press outlets such as Secret NYC, NBC Nightly News and the Kelly Clarkson Show.

Apply for the Unsent Letter Curator Program 

If you've been waiting to bring something beautiful to your corner of the world and spread genuine human connection, apply here. 

unsentlettermailbox.com/curator-program

Join The Unsent Letter Mailbox as a Social Media Intern!

The Unsent Letter Mailbox — an NYC-born art project that lives at the intersection of anonymous writing, emotional healing, and urban play — is growing FAST. We’re looking for a volunteer content collaborator who wants to grow with us.

You:

• Are emotionally fluent and creatively intuitive

• Know how to make something stop the scroll without screaming

• Love language, letters, and soft power

• Want to build something you can be proud of

We:

• Have been featured on NBC + The Kelly Clarkson Show + Secret NYC

• Are planning scavenger hunts, secret salons, and continued urban pop-ups

• Are small, self-funded, and full of momentum

• Will give you full credit, mentorship, and future paid work if things align

This is 3-5 hours a week. Remote is cool. And vibes are everything.

If you're curious, email [email protected] or DM @unsentlettermailbox on IG! 

Connect IRL. Experience Fabrik.

Get in touch with NYC’s brightest communities and make new friends.

Fabrik is a home for communities and where everyone has a place to belong. With spaces designed to feel more like your living room than your office, Fabrik’s 'third spaces' are vibrant hubs where you can come together in real life, explore interests, forge meaningful connections, and enjoy a sense of community.

Sign-up here to experience a free trial at Fabrik.

Weekly events at Fabrik HERE

Othership

Othership offers immersive sauna and ice bath experiences that help human beings feel good now. A sanctuary for social self-care to move you from city buzz to inner calm.

Dive into the largest performance saunas in North America, experience otherworldly ice bath spaces and connect in an intimate amphitheater-style tea lounge surrounding a cozy fire place for socializing.

Expect towel-waving performances, aromatherapy, guided breathwork, visualizations, and somatic release to help you shift your state and regulate your emotions, in a world that can’t be regulated.

The founders of Othership have gifted us a New York 2 for 1 Deal. Get yours while they last!